Chuck Norris

Fact

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
While riding the elevator, Chuck Norris never pushes the button, the elevator better just know what floor Chuck Norris needs to be on.
On April 26, 1986, after a private meeting between Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev, Chuck Norris was briefed by the President on Russia’s explicit denial that a being such as Chuck Norris existed. In pure rage, Chuck Norris swam the Pacific, trekked across the Russian tundra barefoot and single-handedly destroyed an entire town. Overcome by shame, the Russians renamed it Chernobyl.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re obviously not Chuck Norris.
Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is Courage?” Chuck Norris received an “A+” for writing only the words “Chuck Norris” and promptly turning in the paper.
Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now.”
Chuck Norris’ action figure has slept with more women then most men.
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is “lucky”.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.
Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”
A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the internet.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man’s gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have to stop bullets becuase they know better.
Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.
Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, “I believe… I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride.” Arnie says, “I believe… that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements.” God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, “I believe… you are sitting in my seat.”
Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.
There’s no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
On Neil Armstrong’s second step on the moon, he found a note that said, “Chuck Norris was here.”
Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.
Jesus’s Birthday isn’t December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Newton’s fourth law of physics: Don’t fuck with Chuck Norris.
After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”, Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. “Giant leap, my ass”, Chuck replied.
The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.
Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.
When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.
Chuck Norris’ blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist
Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.
CNN was originally created as the “Chuck Norris Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won’t be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be “Norrisized”.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther’s womb.
Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
Chuck Norris played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China’s over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football– in that order.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because “The Sum of All Fears” is the name of Chuck Norris’ autobiography.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris’s home town say “Die slowly” and “die quickly”. They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
Chuck Norris does not “style” his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:
1:Heart disease
2:Chuck Norris
3:Cancer
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
Chuck Norris doesn’t play god. Playing is for children.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: “Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
‘Icy-Hot’ is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t suck his mother’s breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said “I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds”, He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool’s fucking head off.
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as “acts of God.”
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay’s potato chips, saying “Betcha can’t eat just one!” Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he’d kick your ass.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in “I hope I don’t get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.” Too late, asshole.
Chuck Norris’s show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn’t run.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris’ age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
Most boots are made for walkin’. Chuck Norris’ boots ain’t that merciful.
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
When the movie Pulp Fiction was filmed they had to borrow Chuck Norris’s wallet… It’s the one that says “Bad Mother Fucker” on it
The Bible was originally titled “Chuck Norris and Friends”
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn’t like Fudge Ripple.
Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn’t have nearly enough balls.
Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris just says “no” to drugs. If he said “yes”, it would collapse Colombia’s infrastructure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
“Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
When God said, “let there be light”, Chuck Norris said, “say ‘please’.”
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris’ fists is inside his own body.
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn’t chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.
Chuck Norris doesn’t say “who’s your daddy”, because he knows the answer.
According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, the Native American “Trail of Tears” has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.